creativity in crisis

I love this little drawing by my 5-year old daughter, my second-born. She is turning out to be very good at drawing. I was amazed at her sense of proportion when I looked at this picture of her and her 2 sisters and baby brother after getting their hair cut. Kids rarely draw hair by it's overall shape first, usually they draw lots of crazy lines. Only the girls have eyelashes. :) And those shoes! So cute! Can you tell I'm a pround Mama? She has a natural eye for design.

As for me, I’m having a "mid-life design crisis" of sorts.  In the “X” of my creative life, I’m approaching the middle, trying to find where I came from and where I will go.  For a while now, I’ve been totally uninspired to make or design fun things (resulting in a lack of blog posts).  I see things in such practical ways now.  Is it easy to clean up?  Is it superfluous?  Will it collect dust?  Will it end up in a landfill?  Will it have lasting results?  Is it worth the little time that I have?  It’s really a question of purpose.  Is there purpose in what I’m doing?  If not, I haven’t the time or the heart to do it.

This ultra-practical no-frills perspective has intensified since having our fourth precious child.  Holding him is so satisfying and exhausting at the same time. I’ve been in mommy-mode for 7-1/2 years now, changing diapers the whole time, and for at least another 3 years.  My body and brain have been worn down to mush.  I get an occasional spark of creativity when facing parenting challenges or browsing Pinterest.  Having children has been wonderful!  I mean that!  But it comes with a price.  We counted the cost each time.  The first was to give up an enjoyable job as an art director/product designer and leave the working world for a while.  In this I also lost face-to-face contact with many creative and inspiring designers who speak my language.  I have no regrets – I love being with my kids.  Even so, I still hear the siren song of the next creative project.  I just don’t know what to make right now and I’m too tired to figure it out.

Another cost is that I have to die to myself more with each child.  That is the key: to die to my flesh that says, “I need my own space and freedom!!” so that Christ may LIVE in me.  Over the summer I pushed to disciple my young kids like a “good Christian mother” should.  “Sit down and be quiet!,” I would shout above the constant skirmishes.  “We are going to learn about Jesus and LIKE it!!”  I would find myself so frustrated at times that it was better to plop the kids in front of Veggie Tales and call it a day.  “How do I do this in the Spirit and not in the flesh, Lord?,” I would pray.  “I just want to please You and for my kids to know You.”  And then that still small Voice would whisper, “Just love Me and they will get to know Me through you.  Serve Me by serving your family.”  Talk about purpose!  What is the chief end of man?  …to glorify God and enjoy Him forever.

I love how the Lord speaks to me – He is so gentle and comforting.  I want to speak to my children that way.  Knowing the answer is one thing, putting it into practice is another.  For this, I ask for prayer.  That’s where I am.  As for where I’m going, I’m sure creative inspiration will come back in little ways during less busy days.  My creativity is a gift from God.  I just want to make sure it has purpose, and hopefully, eternal significance.